You probably will never read this. I miss you and I still love the hell out of you even though you were a real pain in my ass. I seem to only think of you whenever I’m with someone and how we promised each other that we’d be there for one another until we were old and died.
You’re the only reason I’m not good at being friends with anyone or being close to new people because of how we both vanished from each other’s lives. I went crazy and so did you. I was alone and so were you. You’ll never speak to me again because I was far too honest with you and I’ll never speak to you because my pride supersedes yours along with the probability that I will care too much without it being reciprocated again. The good thing here is that I can always say I was there for you and you can’t.
It was always like this, though. I could never tell you everything I wanted to say because of who you are. Even now, you will drop everyone for the girl you’ve fallen for and forsake every relationship you’ve spent time to make. Everything, for you, is nothing but for the sake of tail and yourself…and I could never put myself in the position of harm again.
If we were to ever talk again, I would be distant. We would want everything to be the same, but it never could be. It doesn’t sadden me, it angers me. I could never have been selfish enough to leave one of my brethren behind. I could never fully forsake you and, even now, I still can’t. But no…we would never be the same and I would forever love you enough so as to keep myself away from you to give you the happiness I have always believed you deserved and deny myself the happiness of being at your side again.
You see, I dreamt of you today. We laid bare in my bed and we were dying together. My room looked like a hospital room, but there were accommodations made to allow us together on one bed with I.V’s on either side. I’ve never dreamt something so vivid in my entire life. We were holding hands and you were crying telling me that you were just mad at me and how childish this all was. I couldn’t cry because I was paralyzed, but I managed to say “Don’t worry. It’s ok. You’ll always be ok” before I passed away and gave you the rest of the life I had to live on. I woke up afterward with tears in my eyes because that’s exactly what I’d still do for everyone close to me.
I would give all of myself, despite the brilliant life I would lead, to make sure that they were ok. No one would ever understand that, especially you or anyone else that thinks they have my character pinned. I don’t expect them to, but the love I give is all or nothing. Same goes with my care. Just know that today, I miss the hell out of you and I hate you and I love you wherever you are. My Doppelgänger…know that I always will and that tomorrow will be better for you. Tomorrow, for you, will always be better without me.
'Presence of Absnece', 2012.
And so we held each other’s hand
not for the sake of the illicit,
But in a craving for innocence.
Not as lovers,
but as brothers
in fear of letting go.
Thirteen years was long enough
being without you.